That's not really 100% true...I want to graduate and officially be Dr. MamaPeanut...I just don't want to finish these last few requirements...all because of my wonderful Little Cashew. I'm in my last year of medical school...something like 129 (but who is counting) days to go until graduation, and for a good number of hours today I just didn't care. All I wanted was to spend my days at home with Little Cashew.
I left school early today, abandoned my research and studying...Medical Board exams be damned! So I could come home and see my little munchkin.
I had never wanted to be a stay at home mom...the thought never crossed my mind...of course I would have a job...a career, and a fabulous one for that matter. But today all I wanted to do was to stay home with my Little Cashew. And I'm not even working really hard this month. I'm doing a research month, which has flexible hours, and the only reason I don't work from home is that I have no self control and would get nothing but play time accomplished.
How nice it would be to stay home with my little cutie pie (seriously...she's really cute!)...maybe I would get better at cleaning and cooking...generally improve on all of the Martha Stuart areas (minus the illegal ones). I might even wear something that isn't sweat pants or scrubs while at home...oh who am I kidding, that won't happen!
My aching heart and love for Little Cashew made me, for a few fleeting seconds, question my life choices thus far (ya know, minus the ones that involve bringing her into this world). I never imagined working with Little Cashew at home would be this hard. I feel like a terrible mom (hm, isn't this what I blogged about yesterday...must get out of this rut) I trust our nanny, but I hate leaving Little Cashew to be taken care of by anyone other than Walnut. On Monday she had the scent of the perfume the nanny was wearing on her...I couldn't stand it. I didn't want my little girl smelling like someone else...like someone else who carried her around all day...who sang to her instead of me...who soothed her when she got fussy and rocked her to sleep for long naps in the glider...I hated it. And I don't blame the nanny...I just get this overwhelming urge to be the sole care taker for my little one.
Walnut and I were looking at some of my med school loan materials yesterday and realized that my monthly loan payment would be more than our mortgage payment...so I need to work, not to pay for our oh-so-lavish lifestyle...but just to pay for my education!
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