I wish I could enter a plea of not guilty...

So really today was full of much mommy guilt for me...
I know I am not alone in this...the whole mommy guilt thing. But she is our first, and I swear she is perfect in every way and I want nothing more than to do everything in my power to make her happy and give her all she deserves in the world. So in short, when she cries, it hurts. It physically pains me to my core...and when I cant stop her crying, I feel so incredibly awful and helpless...and I kind of feel like a mommy failure. Because if there is one thing I think I should be able to do, it is to stop her crying.

So today a was attempting the nearly impossible task of being a good wife and good mommy all at once. Walnut is part Jewish and likes to light the Hanukkah Candles. We have the menorah, but we needed candles. So me being the good wifey, knew Hanukkah started tonight, so when Little Cashew got up from her nap I put her in her stroller and away we went. CVS was our goal...0.5 mile down the road...a mile round trip, how much could go wrong?

She was okay for most of the trip there, but as we neared CVS she started to do some full out fussing. Didnt want her toys or a paci...and then we escalated to crying. So I picked her up. I had Little Cashew in one arm and pushed the stroller in the other. This helped a little bit, but she was still a little fussy. We got into CVS (after being stuck in the door with the stroller and needing a wonderful passerby to help us get through) found the Holiday section, and the crying continued. I grabbed the first candles I could find and got out ASAP...and the crying escalated. I was still carrying her (she seemed to cry a little less if she was held...and then at least I was doing something) when I came across a wet driveway...or what I thought was a wet driveway...it was an icy driveway.

Down I went.

I let the empty stroller go and wrapped both arms around my child. I had 2 knees and an elbow hit the ground. Little Cashew was fine, but the scare of me falling escalated her crying as well as my feeling of helplessness. After that I decided it was safer to keep her in the stroller. But the crying continued, and I started crying too...I felt so helpless.

Of course as soon as we got home, I put her down on the ottoman to take my coat off, and the crying subsided. As I stood there looking at my beautiful little girl, her face all blotchy, her eyes red and wet, I felt like I must be the worst mother in the world for letting her get into such a state. I know this clearly isn't true, but hindsight is 20/20, and at that moment, I felt like my only job to this little girl was to make her happy and I couldn't.

This mommy guilt...I have to admit, it's a daily thing, but today was particularly rough because I just love her so much.