Happy New Year Little Cashew

To my Dearest Little Cashew,
Happy New Year to you! It is your first New Years Eve, and I've just put you down to sleep at 9pm (It was supposed to be 8pm, but Mommys first attempt at getting you to sleep in your crib by herself was a colossal fail!...perhaps I'll blog about my misadventures this weekend...) You have only been our little outside nut for 4 months of 2009, but they were by far the most wonderful 4 months of my life. And let me tell you, Ive been blessed to have a pretty darn good life so far, but you my Little Cashew take the cake.

You have made this entire year just wonderful. We found out about you just before Christmas 2008...Mommy and Daddy got a parking ticket going to CVS to buy the pregnancy test! We lasted a few hours before we called Grandma and Grandpa Peanut and then Grandma and Grandpa Walnut. They were so excited about you! You were only a few cells big, and your little heart wasn't even beating yet, and you already had 6 people head over heels in love with you...what a lucky little girl you are! Over the next few weeks we told our close friends and family about you and the list of people loving you just grew and grew. At this time last year Daddy and I were at a New Years Eve party trying to hide the fact that Mommy wasn't drinking any champagne.

Overall you were a pretty well behaved little inside baby...I was never TOO sick or tired and you didn't give us any big scares until the very end. I spent the next several months running around the hospital trying to avoid xrays and too much exposure to anesthesia gases...and being even more careful than normal to not get stuck by any needles. Oh the joys of being a pregnant medical student...especially when you haven't told people you are pregnant yet! And eventually Mommys baby bump was so big her scrubs couldn't hide it anymore, and everyone knew! Which was good because I was bursting at the seams just itching to tell everyone who would listen about the wonderful little bundle of joy I was expecting in August! (I already knew then how wonderful you would be)

And Little Cashew, you did not disappoint. You have been a relatively 'easy baby' as far as infants go **knocks feverisly on wood** and you bring me and your Daddy so much joy every single day, it practically moves me to tears. You absolutely take the cake and have made 2009 the best year of my life, hands down. I can't imagine 2010 could possibly be better (and keep in mind I already know I'll be getting my MD!) but you my Little Cashew are quite talented and I bet you are up to the challenge of making 2010 just as wonderful.

And here is to 2010 bringing us many more wonderful times...and lots of cute clothes...I am shopping online on Gymboree as we speak!
Love and Tummy Kisses, Mommy Peanut

Santa came to North Carolina by way of Manhattan

Even though we didn't spend Christmas in Manhattan this year, that is where Little Cashew's presents came from...Manhattan Toy that is. Now I am typically a bargain shopper and I don't believe in paying retail for anything. For example Gymboree...I love you, and 90% of what my daughter wears has your label on it, but I only shop your sales and with coupons. (I did buy one outfit not on sale in a moment of weakness and cuteness overload...but there is always one exception to the rule)

Walnut and I did not go overboard buying presents for Little Cashew for Christmas...we bought 5...well I bought 5 and used Walnuts credit card. But those 5 gifts cost a pretty penny because, like a sucker, I paid retail. And I paid retail at a nice store. But I will say Little Cashew does love her 12 and 13 dollar toys thus far. (and yes I also caved around Thanksgiving and bought her a Sophie. The Winkel and the Whoozit are her favorites thus far. I like the classic beads, but she is still at that stage where she thrusts all of her toys at her face, and I am afraid she is going to give her pretty little face a black eye with these things, so we play carefully.

But I think my favorite toy to watch her play with is her Winkel, she loves to slobber and chew on it. And the fact that she looks hilarious doing it is an added bonus. When she really gets going, it almost looks like a horse bit in her mouth. And sometimes it looks like she is going for the inner rings, but her mouth cant reach them, so she just pushes it up to her face, and it's so so cute.

I know she didn't really know what was going on this year, but it did make me excited for all of the Christmas's and Christmas Eve's to come...figuring out what traditions to continue from my childhood and Walnut's childhood, and what traditions we will make for ourselves. I cant wait to tuck her in all excited on Christmas eve after leaving out cookies for Santa and seeing the look on her face on Christmas morning when she sees the magic of Santa. Squee! So excited...but alas at the same time, that means she needs to grow up, and I have made it a point to resist all of her growing up efforts at any cost! I love my little munchkin (who I can't believe turned 4 months old today!!) and I just want to hold on to her cute little infant self as much as possible for as long as possible...sigh!

I have been admittedly lazy with Christmas the last few years. We are usually out of town with family, and if it was a year when we spent Christmas here at the nut house it probably meant that I was on a rotation or in school, so I was likely on call at the hospital at some point or studying for exams, and it just makes it hard to get all Christmas-y. We have so many cute little ornaments and a good number of decorations, but I swear, it's exhausting to get all of that stuff out and then have to put it away again so quickly. Perhaps this is why some people go nuts with their decorations right after Thanksgiving...this way at least you can leave the decorations up for a while.

Apparently I am the one who needs to work on sleeping through the night...

I guess Little Cashew wants to be a southern bell because she did great on our North Carolina trip! In fact she was a sleeping champion! She slept through the night for 9 hours, 10 hours, 9 hours and then a 4 hour stretch with a wake up to eat and then a 7 hour stretch on the 4 nights we were there. The only thing that would have made it better would have been if Walnut and I actually slept through the night also! On our first night there Little Cashew made a few noises around 3:30am (pretty standard for her) , so Walnut got up to warm up her bottle and I got the pump ready. (We give her a bottle of pumped milk at night so she stays used to the bottle for the nanny/daycare...)

And we waited. There were a few more adorable noises, and that was it....Walnut and I lay there in disbelief...no way she went back to sleep...she will let out a cry any minute now....but it never came, and at 4:30am we went back to sleep.

And the next thing I know its 7:30am shes happily cooing in her pack and play and I am painfully engorged and sopping wet with milk despite my fabulous breast pads. Yeah I didn't pump overnight because I just figured she would eventually wake up and I would pump then, I never considered the possibility that she might just sleep through the night.

Now this is not the first time Little Cashew has given us the opportunity to get a good nights sleep, but she has never done it so many times in a row! The only problem in this wonderful sleeping arrangement is me waking up several times during the night all engorged and milky. I guess if she keeps doing this my body will get the idea and cool down overnight.

Now to see if this whole sleeping thing sticks, or if we completely screwed her up with another overnight drive, this time back to the nut home.

All I want for Christmas is some freaking Mint Julep!

Here is a quick blog update on how the holidays are going. Grandma and Grandpa Peanut live in North Carolina and Christmas is with them this year. Its about a 7 and a half hour drive for us to go see them, which raises the question of how to transport our Little Cashew. Shes a fabulous baby, but that's a long time in the car for an infant. And when she cries in the car it's awful.

I try sitting in the backseat with her, because then at least I can try and calm her...give her a toy or her paci (but shes not really big on her paci (un)fortunately) but if that doesn't stop her fussing, it gets rough. I just want to grab her out of her car seat and cuddle her until she feels better, but alas there are those safety laws. So keeping in mind how crippling it is for me when she cries and I am completely helpless against it (think disastrous trip to CVS a few weeks back) we decided the more she sleeps in the car, the better.

But when does she ever sleep for 7.5 hours?? Overnight of course! (Sometimes at least) So we decided we would leave after dinner, right around bedtime and hopefully she would sleep most of the way. Walnut was an absolute champ, he worked all day, came home, grabbed a cat nap and then took the first driving shift (which turned into driving the entire way).

We didn't get on the road until about 9pm...it took a while to pack the car in a foot and half of snow...thank you mother nature. And then come 10pm we were sitting in traffic...I was so not a happy camper...I need that gentle hum of the car to keep my baby asleep! I started thinking of long lines of profanity at all of the cars on Interstate 95 at 10pm on a Tuesday (seriously a Tuesday?!?!?!?)...then I remembered there was a baby sitting next to me, and thought it would be poor form. But that traffic cleared up after about 45 excruciating minutes....then its smooth sailing to the Deep South (I'm from the northeast...North Carolina is me being knee deep in the south...I'm ankle deep where I currently live)...right? Of course not!

We ended up in the middle of Farmville, NC (I was particularly amused by this as Ive been playing this game on Facebook) and OMG it was the middle of nowhere, ridiculously sketchy and soooo not where we were supposed to be! So the driving continued, then at 3 in the morning, I gave in and called Grandma and Grandpa Peanut with the "we're lost!" plea. They got us back on track and 3 freaking hours later we arrived in the driveway with me swearing that I would "never make this drive again"...they knew it was an empty threat

And now the whole nutty family is together for the holidays....seriously if you could meet my whole family, you would get the whole nut analogy. I love them, but they are nuts!

Merry Christmas, Happy Festivus and a Happy New Year!

I may have to start worshiping Carters as well

So typically I leave all of my baby clothing worshiping for Gymboree...oh Gymboree how I love all of your cute clothes, and the fact that your website makes outfits for me...and your sales! of your sales! But I digress, this is about Carters and their amazing fleece sleep bags! As seen here. I give them full credit for the amazing de-swaddling success we have had for the last 2 nights.

And now Little Cashew will likely do what she does best, and prove me wrong by having a miserable night tonight...let's hope not!

But 2 nights ago, we decided to try and de-swaddle Little Cashew. After Christmas we are going to transition her to her own room and into her crib, and we figured we should start to get her out of the swaddle too. I mean she breaks out of it every night anyway, so Walnut and I figured she was ready. But we thought to ease the transition (and keep her warm) we would put her in one of these sleep bags...this way she will stay warm (she is too little for loose blankets, and when we tuck her in with a blanket around her, she gets it loose and puts it over her face...its part of that "Everything goes in my mouth!!!" movement she is on. On night one she slept TEN HOURS (!!!) including a 1:30am wake up (no crying...just kicking and a few grunts) which she put herself back to sleep during and last night she slept for 9 hours straight. The only draw back here is that I've woken up completely covered in milk and need to change and take a shower asap...but it seem like a small price to pay for sleep!

So my only concern with this fabulous new product is that it says "0-9 months" and Little Cashew is quite a tall little munchkin, and at 3 and a half months doesn't have a whole lot more room in them length-wise...and when the night comes where she needs to go to sleep without one...yikes I don't even want to think about it...because I've gotten it in my head that she NEEDS these fabulous sleep bags!

It looks like there will be another trip to CVS today...need some Dr Browns Stage 2 nipples...I think...who really knows...see previous post regarding my low bottle IQ. But we are hoping that will help with the bottle mayhem that is currently ensuing...more on that later. Did I mention that there is a foot and a half of snow on the ground...yeah Walnut will be transporting her on this adventure.

Babysitting, Bottles, Baptism....say that 3 times fast!

I must say, I love when Grandma Peanut comes to babysit! Don't get me wrong, I love and cherish every moment I have with my Little Cashew, but having the extra hands around is fabulous! Laundry gets done, dishes get washed, Cashew gets a bath....I mean, I bathe her...but she always cries and I feel bad, and if Grandma does it, I am not the bad guy! :)

When Little Cashew was about a month old we started having Walnut give her a bottle at her middle of the night feeding, to get her used to it before I went back for rotations. Apparently if you wait too long to do this And everything went fine, she ate from it like a champ, no problem. Honestly, for my own selfish reasons I was not thrilled with starting her on a bottle.

1. I am a bottle moron...yes that's right a complete dolt. We've got our fancy schmancy Dr. Browns bottles, that I just barely get by with, but nice bottles are only so good when the operator is clueless. For example, I just learned last week that at some point she will need to start eating with bigger nipples...I knew there were different sizes, but I thought each baby just ate with the one size that worked for them. Thank you to "The Bump" boards that I lurk on for enlightening me! And then there is figuring out how much to feed her! That's a whole other stressful issue! When she was born I told the nurses I would be breast feeding they tell you how long to nurse for...apparently I forgot to ask how many ounces I should feed her in a month in my post c-section stupor.
2. Pumping stinks...I do it because I will do everything in my power to keep Little Cashew on breast milk for a year..but the more bottles she gets, the more pumping I need to do
3. My stupidity aside, I love my mommy cashew nursing time. When she is hungry, I can make her happy, no problem. And there is just something so wonderful about nursing her and that bond. Even when I feel like I don't know what I am doing and it has been a rough day, nursing Little Cashew makes me feel like I am a good mom to her...

So she took the bottle for 4 weeks while I was on a local "away" rotation, no problem. When the rotation was over, we went back to only breast feeding...no one told me that she would get "un-used" to the bottle! It took a ton of work on Grandma Peanuts part to get that first bottle in her. So now we are back to one bottle at night, every night to get her back into the swing of things.

And the Baptism...oy. So we met with the local priest to make a date for Little Cashew to get Baptized...it did not go so well. Let's just say the priest was not thrilled with the fact that we were not married in the Catholic Church...and sent us home without scheduling a Baptism to think about or situation. I don't have the energy to recount the 90 minute lecture we got, but I am reminded that in an emergency anyone can perform a Baptism...and as I type with a sleeping baby on my lap and a bottle of DASANI in my left hand....I am tempted...does this count as an emergency...

Study Break!

More like a break from blogging to study. I have to take part of my boards on Thursday (in freaking Philadelphia! I have nothing against the city, its just the schlep!) so Grandma Peanut is in town to watch Little Cashew and let me get some book time in! Thank goodness for Grandparents!

Just 1 nut for now

So the whole family of nuts watched The Simpsons tonight...well not Little Cashew, she fell asleep while nursing, and Walnut and I watched...and it got me thinking about siblings. I have 2 brothers significantly older than me and Walnut has a half sister 13 years older than him. So neither of us have that close aged sibling bond. Not to do disservice to my brothers, I love them and they are great. But I often wished for a little sister when I was younger. It just seems that there is something special in that bond of sister-hood.

Its funny, in theory I think it would be wonderful to have a whole little family with all of the children close together in age, they can bond and be friends...I guess by my theory twins would be perfect. But then there is the pure logistics and practicality of having kids close together is daunting! I don't know how women do the whole "2 under 2" thing! Being pregnant and working was hard enough, I don't know how I could have been working and pregnant and have Little Cashew to take care of too!

Its funny, Little Cashew has at the same time both made me want to have more babies, and never want to have another...Here's how:
She is a WONDERFUL baby, who makes Walnut and I so so happy. It's like "Having babies is great! Let's do this all the time!" And here is where I get to be a little bit of a nutty mom (no pun intended)...I love this Little Cashew so much, I don't ever want anything to draw my attention away from her. I know this sounds like a recipe for a super spoiled child, but I just always want her to feel so loved, and to never feel like she has to take a back seat.

So who knows what the future holds for the nutty family, for right now we are just enthralled loving our Little Cashew

The 1950's have set some unrealistic expectations...

I don't understand how women then did it. Now there is always the possibility that TV is lying to me (as this is where I base most of my assumptions about 1950's living) and these women were not as amazing as it seems. But to me it seems plain old impossible.

Homes being regularly vacuumed, dinner on the table without a hitch each night, women in perfectly pressed dresses and not a hair out of place. I just don't see how I would ever be able to get those things accomplished in a day. Either 1. those women didn't have infants or 2. the black and white TV made it so I couldn't see the bags under their eyes from staying up all night...the black and white TV also must be hiding the spit up stains on their clothes

Seriously. It's not that I didn't respect full time moms before, but now I think I really understand why its a full time job...it's just not possible to get anything else done during the day...at least for me. I'm super proud of myself for cooking 3 meals today...but I did it with Walnut watching and playing with Little Cashew. And no cleaning got done today, that will be tomorrows goal. And during the week when I am home alone with her (I don't have a rotation to go back to until January) I am amazed when I get one 'non baby' thing done in the week!

And as for perfectly pressed dresses and perfect hair...I can't help but laugh out loud trying to imagine me in something other than scrubs or sweatpants and a tshirt or tank top. I'd like to think that I usually keep Little Cashew well dressed (thank you Gymboree!) if we are going out, but my primping tends to fall to the way side.

So would I just have been eaten alive had I been born 50 years eariler? I think I just have a revised set of goals. We've got a roof over our heads, everyone eats and we are pretty much a happy family. And as I sit here with a beautiful sleeping Little Cashew in my arms, I realize that nothing else matters.

I wish I could enter a plea of not guilty...

So really today was full of much mommy guilt for me...
I know I am not alone in this...the whole mommy guilt thing. But she is our first, and I swear she is perfect in every way and I want nothing more than to do everything in my power to make her happy and give her all she deserves in the world. So in short, when she cries, it hurts. It physically pains me to my core...and when I cant stop her crying, I feel so incredibly awful and helpless...and I kind of feel like a mommy failure. Because if there is one thing I think I should be able to do, it is to stop her crying.

So today a was attempting the nearly impossible task of being a good wife and good mommy all at once. Walnut is part Jewish and likes to light the Hanukkah Candles. We have the menorah, but we needed candles. So me being the good wifey, knew Hanukkah started tonight, so when Little Cashew got up from her nap I put her in her stroller and away we went. CVS was our goal...0.5 mile down the road...a mile round trip, how much could go wrong?

She was okay for most of the trip there, but as we neared CVS she started to do some full out fussing. Didnt want her toys or a paci...and then we escalated to crying. So I picked her up. I had Little Cashew in one arm and pushed the stroller in the other. This helped a little bit, but she was still a little fussy. We got into CVS (after being stuck in the door with the stroller and needing a wonderful passerby to help us get through) found the Holiday section, and the crying continued. I grabbed the first candles I could find and got out ASAP...and the crying escalated. I was still carrying her (she seemed to cry a little less if she was held...and then at least I was doing something) when I came across a wet driveway...or what I thought was a wet driveway...it was an icy driveway.

Down I went.

I let the empty stroller go and wrapped both arms around my child. I had 2 knees and an elbow hit the ground. Little Cashew was fine, but the scare of me falling escalated her crying as well as my feeling of helplessness. After that I decided it was safer to keep her in the stroller. But the crying continued, and I started crying too...I felt so helpless.

Of course as soon as we got home, I put her down on the ottoman to take my coat off, and the crying subsided. As I stood there looking at my beautiful little girl, her face all blotchy, her eyes red and wet, I felt like I must be the worst mother in the world for letting her get into such a state. I know this clearly isn't true, but hindsight is 20/20, and at that moment, I felt like my only job to this little girl was to make her happy and I couldn't.

This mommy guilt...I have to admit, it's a daily thing, but today was particularly rough because I just love her so much.

For Walnut and Grandpa Peanut

I need to say that Walnut is the most natural father I have ever seen. As we speak he is making her absolutely squeal with delight as he gives her little kisses. It makes my heart want to just explode with happiness, watching the two of them be so happy together, its amazing. It's my whole world, right there in front of me, and its wonderful.

I don't think good dad's get enough credit. This was initially going to be a lead in to another post...but again, good dad's need more of a shout out.

I am also fortunate enough to have a great dad who braided hair (or tried his very best to!) and played girly games and made me feel like the luckiest little girl in the world.

As I watch Little Cashew give Walnut her big gummy-open-mouthed smile, it makes me think she too, feels like the luckiest little girl in the world.

I should take all of my parenting advice from Sex and the City...no?

Let me refresh everyones memory (more or less):
Miranda: If I had never slept with Steve, I never would have had Brady
Charlotte: Awww
Miranda: Let me finish. If I had never slept with Steve, I never would have had Brady...and been too busy to eat, and I never would have been able to fit into my skinny jeans again.

There will be more on my ridiculous mommy wardrobe in another post...

So before the glorious Peapod delivery came and I went on a massive cooking spree, we were pretty low on food, and typically during the day I would have my oatmeal for breakfast, and then some combination of crackers, peanut butter and string cheese. Then some form of dinner. So not a whole lot of eating...Little Cashew just keeps me so busy!!! But since my cooking rampage, Ive been able to throw something in the microwave and have a real meal.

So there is the back story. Now for the real meat of this post...
The past few nights as I lay in bed to go to sleep, Ive felt what I am going to call "Phantom Baby Kicks" (and what Walnut calls "Digestion because you are finally eating"). But I lay on my stomach...I need to make up for all of that lost time when I was pregnant...and occasionally I feel this sensation that feels so much like Little Cashew did when she would roll over in the ute.

It made me think about amputees and their phantom limb's.

Now let me clarify...I was never one of those women who as their pregnancy went on thought "I will miss being pregnant so much." I was always a supporter of outside babies over inside babies. And I don't miss being pregnant now, nor do I want to be pregnant. But there was a certain sense of comfort that I felt as I lay there with my fake baby movements.

Yeah I know its weird, but hey, that's me!

All in the name of Fashion

First off...the things I will do for this child and for fashion...

Now I think Little Cashew is the perfectly proportioned child...in reality she is a tall little string bean from her daddy and has a big noggin (sp?) from her mommy...so I call her my little candy apple.

The people at Gymboree have not realized this, and even though I spend a good chunk of Walnut's pay check there...they do not make candy apple sized clothes. This really has not been too much of a problem, with the exception of cute little head bands. When I put them on her, they are a bit snug and they leave an indent on her head, so they never stay on long. Well tomorrow we are going to a Christmas party at Walnuts's work, and of course Little Cashew will be the best dressed of the 3 of us...but the dress she is wearing has one of these infamously tight head bands....so my solution? Stretch it to fit around my head and wear it around for 3 days. I look ridiculous, and its not so comfortable, and leaves a red mark on my head...but its all in the name of fashion.

And I had an almost ridiculous cooking experience this week. Ive been trying to make meals and freeze them, so we have food other than cereal and peanut butter available....you know...like real adults. So I usually keep Little Cashew in the sling with me while cooking....mostly because she will only watch from her bouncy seat for so long. And as I was about to put the casserole in the oven, she has a huge spit up which came perilously close to ending up smack dab in the middle of my casserole...I decided to finish cooking while she was napping and far from the kitchen.

And on a sad note, one of the online pregnancy boards I frequent has a member who went into labor at 24 weeks 4 days ago, and will unfortunately be saying good bye to her little girl tonight. Makes me so thankful for my fully baked healthy little one. And at the same time makes me feel so bad for ever wishing she would come any earlier. (I went into labor at 40 weeks and 1 day...I wasn't wishing for a preemie or anything, but around 38.5 weeks...full term is 37 weeks...I was ready for her to be born!)

I thought about taking a picture of myself with this ridiculous baby headband on me...but I need to retain some pride!

The facebook note that made me decide to blog

Post from Dec 8, 2009

I love motherhood, in a way that words just cannot describe, but it is emotionally exhausting! Its amazing how often something so little can make me cry so often. (I know I am a crier already...the movie Shrek always does me in!)

The tears started day 1...errr day zero. After 12 hours of labor, a dozen or so little decels, a lost heart rate, an internal monitor and a giant decel into the 60's (for those that dont know, thats bad!) the doctor said I needed a c-section to get the baby out NOW. I cried, not because I needed surgery, but because I knew my wonderful little girl, who had yet to grace us with her presence wasnt doing well. Score 1 for Little Cashew for scaring me to tears.

30 min later, the good tears came as I got to hold my beautiful, wonderful baby girl for the first time.
And many good tears have followed...the first time she looked at me and gave me a big wide mouthed smile, her first giggle, and second giggle....all of her giggles. Every time she gives a joyful squeal tears come to my eyes, its really the sound of pure joy. Watching her sleep on me, and that look of total innocence and hope makes me get misty. I think all told, with those things, she gets a good 3 or more teary/crying mommy moments out of me a day. Wonderful joyful tears that I feel so fortunate to have.

All of those tears, the tears of joy moments, I was prepared for. What I wasn't prepared for was all of the grieving tears...let me explain...

It took a few weeks for this to happen...and the diapers were first. We brought her home in newborn sized diapers (some babies skip this size all together and go straight to size 1's)...after a few weeks we were coming to the end of a box and Walnut suggested we just put her in the size 1's (since we had an unopened box in her room and she met the weight requirements). I was not pleased with this..."but she still fits into the newborns" "shes so tiny" "the 1's will be too big" I pleaded, but Walnut reasoned with me that it was 10pm, we were out of newborns and we had 1's. So we put a size 1 on her, and it fit.

I cried. Yes thats right, I cried that my little newborn baby was not wearing newborn diapers any more...her cute little teenie tiny diapers were replaced with these big bulky monstrosities with elmo smiling back at me. I actually hurt inside...I was grieving the loss of the newborn diapers...or rather the little munchkin who wore the newborn diapers.

Then came the clothes...Little Cashew is a skinny string bean (considering she is a baby with baby fat) just like Walnut, so she didn't out grown clothes really quickly unless they had closed feet on them. When we brought Little Cashew home from the hospital we didn't have any "newborn" sized clothes...its not that we weren't prepared, just that some babies don't even fit in them to start out with. So my mom went out and bought her 3 newborn sleepers asap. Right around the time Little Cashew turned 1 month old, we noticed that she couldn't straighten her legs in her newborn onesies, she was too tall and had to move on to the 0-3month onesies. Again, I cried...no more pink bunny onesie, no more little elephant onesie, no more dotted onesie....I felt ridiculous, but I was saddened at the loss of the cute little clothes.

Then she rolled over this week (Shes only done it once, and I am pretty sure she has forgotten how to do it since..) And I cried...one because she is amazing and was smiling at me and I was so proud of her....she had been trying so hard. And 2 because she is growing up so so fast! Slow down little girl, please!!

And I had to laugh because today we moved up to size 2 diapers, I once again got teary eyed. And a few days ago I found our emergency stash of 5 newborn diapers (apparently hidden too well, because we forgot about them). And I got all nostalgic for the diapers!!! And the crazier part is that I cannot manage to throw them away...and even crazier yet. I took 1 out of the pile and stashed it away. This way if Walnut throws them away (like I said I would, but haven't been able to) I'll still have 1 teenie tiny diaper left.

Don't get me wrong, I know there are many amazing and wonderful parts of Little Cashew for me to enjoy and cherish at every stage. But this grieving of the loss of these little things is exhausting! And yet I cant help but grieve them because I have loved every second with her so much, and have wanted to stretch every minute I have with her into years, but they slip by so quickly and are gone.

Little Cashew has twice today napped on me, cuddled up like she is in the picture below, like she did all the time during her first few weeks...it was wonderful to hold my growing little 3 month old in her size 2 diapers...and yup...there were a few tears of joy

Little Cashew, I'll ask one last time, please slow down little girl...

Trying to get out of bed after a loooooong night