That's not really 100% true...I want to graduate and officially be Dr. MamaPeanut...I just don't want to finish these last few requirements...all because of my wonderful Little Cashew. I'm in my last year of medical school...something like 129 (but who is counting) days to go until graduation, and for a good number of hours today I just didn't care. All I wanted was to spend my days at home with Little Cashew.
I left school early today, abandoned my research and studying...Medical Board exams be damned! So I could come home and see my little munchkin.
I had never wanted to be a stay at home mom...the thought never crossed my mind...of course I would have a job...a career, and a fabulous one for that matter. But today all I wanted to do was to stay home with my Little Cashew. And I'm not even working really hard this month. I'm doing a research month, which has flexible hours, and the only reason I don't work from home is that I have no self control and would get nothing but play time accomplished.
How nice it would be to stay home with my little cutie pie (seriously...she's really cute!)...maybe I would get better at cleaning and cooking...generally improve on all of the Martha Stuart areas (minus the illegal ones). I might even wear something that isn't sweat pants or scrubs while at home...oh who am I kidding, that won't happen!
My aching heart and love for Little Cashew made me, for a few fleeting seconds, question my life choices thus far (ya know, minus the ones that involve bringing her into this world). I never imagined working with Little Cashew at home would be this hard. I feel like a terrible mom (hm, isn't this what I blogged about yesterday...must get out of this rut) I trust our nanny, but I hate leaving Little Cashew to be taken care of by anyone other than Walnut. On Monday she had the scent of the perfume the nanny was wearing on her...I couldn't stand it. I didn't want my little girl smelling like someone else...like someone else who carried her around all day...who sang to her instead of me...who soothed her when she got fussy and rocked her to sleep for long naps in the glider...I hated it. And I don't blame the nanny...I just get this overwhelming urge to be the sole care taker for my little one.
Walnut and I were looking at some of my med school loan materials yesterday and realized that my monthly loan payment would be more than our mortgage payment...so I need to work, not to pay for our oh-so-lavish lifestyle...but just to pay for my education!
Showing posts with label mommy guilt. Show all posts
Showing posts with label mommy guilt. Show all posts
Wednesday, January 13, 2010
Tuesday, January 12, 2010
It's like trying to be Indiana freaking Jones
Argh! Well here is a late night (I know I am getting old when I think 11pm is late night!) rant...
How could I possibly be so bad at putting my child to sleep all of the sudden??
It's like Little Cashew knew that Walnut had to work late this week (4pm-12am) and that I would be on bedtime duty myself and she thought it would be fun to rebel and not ever want to go to sleep...oh and of course cry a TON!
I don't know what it is, I can get her to go to sleep while I am holding her, but I can't put her down without waking her! Now sometimes it's clearly my fault...ie I hit her arm or foot or something on the railing of the crib while lifting her over. (I am jealous that Walnut doesn't have this problem...he's 6'7") But other times I swear I am so careful and she still wakes up! It's like Indian Jones and his bag of sand/idol switch-a-roo! Just a few grains of sand off and all of my hard work gets undone!!
And now that she is finally asleep, I am too stressed over her waking up for me to get any sleep! I can hear her making little noises over the monitor and I jump 8 feet at each one...please let her stay asleep.
Ugh, I would be the worst single parent...Walnut has the magic sleeping touch with our Little Cashew...I kind of think he is carrying around ether and knocking her out...okay well I don't actually think that...but seriously it's amazing.
How could I possibly be so bad at putting my child to sleep all of the sudden??
It's like Little Cashew knew that Walnut had to work late this week (4pm-12am) and that I would be on bedtime duty myself and she thought it would be fun to rebel and not ever want to go to sleep...oh and of course cry a TON!
I don't know what it is, I can get her to go to sleep while I am holding her, but I can't put her down without waking her! Now sometimes it's clearly my fault...ie I hit her arm or foot or something on the railing of the crib while lifting her over. (I am jealous that Walnut doesn't have this problem...he's 6'7") But other times I swear I am so careful and she still wakes up! It's like Indian Jones and his bag of sand/idol switch-a-roo! Just a few grains of sand off and all of my hard work gets undone!!
And now that she is finally asleep, I am too stressed over her waking up for me to get any sleep! I can hear her making little noises over the monitor and I jump 8 feet at each one...please let her stay asleep.
Ugh, I would be the worst single parent...Walnut has the magic sleeping touch with our Little Cashew...I kind of think he is carrying around ether and knocking her out...okay well I don't actually think that...but seriously it's amazing.
Friday, December 11, 2009
I wish I could enter a plea of not guilty...
So really today was full of much mommy guilt for me...
I know I am not alone in this...the whole mommy guilt thing. But she is our first, and I swear she is perfect in every way and I want nothing more than to do everything in my power to make her happy and give her all she deserves in the world. So in short, when she cries, it hurts. It physically pains me to my core...and when I cant stop her crying, I feel so incredibly awful and helpless...and I kind of feel like a mommy failure. Because if there is one thing I think I should be able to do, it is to stop her crying.
So today a was attempting the nearly impossible task of being a good wife and good mommy all at once. Walnut is part Jewish and likes to light the Hanukkah Candles. We have the menorah, but we needed candles. So me being the good wifey, knew Hanukkah started tonight, so when Little Cashew got up from her nap I put her in her stroller and away we went. CVS was our goal...0.5 mile down the road...a mile round trip, how much could go wrong?
She was okay for most of the trip there, but as we neared CVS she started to do some full out fussing. Didnt want her toys or a paci...and then we escalated to crying. So I picked her up. I had Little Cashew in one arm and pushed the stroller in the other. This helped a little bit, but she was still a little fussy. We got into CVS (after being stuck in the door with the stroller and needing a wonderful passerby to help us get through) found the Holiday section, and the crying continued. I grabbed the first candles I could find and got out ASAP...and the crying escalated. I was still carrying her (she seemed to cry a little less if she was held...and then at least I was doing something) when I came across a wet driveway...or what I thought was a wet driveway...it was an icy driveway.
Down I went.
I let the empty stroller go and wrapped both arms around my child. I had 2 knees and an elbow hit the ground. Little Cashew was fine, but the scare of me falling escalated her crying as well as my feeling of helplessness. After that I decided it was safer to keep her in the stroller. But the crying continued, and I started crying too...I felt so helpless.
Of course as soon as we got home, I put her down on the ottoman to take my coat off, and the crying subsided. As I stood there looking at my beautiful little girl, her face all blotchy, her eyes red and wet, I felt like I must be the worst mother in the world for letting her get into such a state. I know this clearly isn't true, but hindsight is 20/20, and at that moment, I felt like my only job to this little girl was to make her happy and I couldn't.
This mommy guilt...I have to admit, it's a daily thing, but today was particularly rough because I just love her so much.
I know I am not alone in this...the whole mommy guilt thing. But she is our first, and I swear she is perfect in every way and I want nothing more than to do everything in my power to make her happy and give her all she deserves in the world. So in short, when she cries, it hurts. It physically pains me to my core...and when I cant stop her crying, I feel so incredibly awful and helpless...and I kind of feel like a mommy failure. Because if there is one thing I think I should be able to do, it is to stop her crying.
So today a was attempting the nearly impossible task of being a good wife and good mommy all at once. Walnut is part Jewish and likes to light the Hanukkah Candles. We have the menorah, but we needed candles. So me being the good wifey, knew Hanukkah started tonight, so when Little Cashew got up from her nap I put her in her stroller and away we went. CVS was our goal...0.5 mile down the road...a mile round trip, how much could go wrong?
She was okay for most of the trip there, but as we neared CVS she started to do some full out fussing. Didnt want her toys or a paci...and then we escalated to crying. So I picked her up. I had Little Cashew in one arm and pushed the stroller in the other. This helped a little bit, but she was still a little fussy. We got into CVS (after being stuck in the door with the stroller and needing a wonderful passerby to help us get through) found the Holiday section, and the crying continued. I grabbed the first candles I could find and got out ASAP...and the crying escalated. I was still carrying her (she seemed to cry a little less if she was held...and then at least I was doing something) when I came across a wet driveway...or what I thought was a wet driveway...it was an icy driveway.
Down I went.
I let the empty stroller go and wrapped both arms around my child. I had 2 knees and an elbow hit the ground. Little Cashew was fine, but the scare of me falling escalated her crying as well as my feeling of helplessness. After that I decided it was safer to keep her in the stroller. But the crying continued, and I started crying too...I felt so helpless.
Of course as soon as we got home, I put her down on the ottoman to take my coat off, and the crying subsided. As I stood there looking at my beautiful little girl, her face all blotchy, her eyes red and wet, I felt like I must be the worst mother in the world for letting her get into such a state. I know this clearly isn't true, but hindsight is 20/20, and at that moment, I felt like my only job to this little girl was to make her happy and I couldn't.
This mommy guilt...I have to admit, it's a daily thing, but today was particularly rough because I just love her so much.
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